The Power of Not Giving Up On Your Dreams (a.k.a. My Story)

Today, I uncovered a few videos my iPhone put together of memories over the years with my kids. It started as pictures of Brooks and me together from 2018 to last week. Then, it was on to photos of summers spent outdoors, at the lake, the fair, and softball fields. Maybe my iPhone just likes to see me cry, but something about Brook’s squishy baby face and seeing all 3 of my tan-skinned babes over the past 5ish years had me in tears this morning.

I can’t help but realize that the past 5-6 years have been a complete rollercoaster over here. I’ve had a few ups, a lot of downs, bucketloads of uncertainty, and more than a couple waiting seasons in this time frame. I’ve switched jobs (read: careers), swaddled and rocked my youngest back to sleep as a newborn, potty trained, raised littles, and dropped my last one off to Kindergarten.

I have had sleepless nights wondering what’s next for us, and yet moments where my heart was so full of gratitude that I thought it might burst. We’ve made amazing memories and we’ve also had rocky seasons where Cory and I questioned every single one of our decisions.

All the while, I also clung to this unwavering faith that the little dream I felt God had planted in my heart way before all of these rollercoaster rides would somehow find a way to come true.

Today, I felt the nudge to share this story. The story of how I wound up where I am and everything that’s happened in the past handful of years. I’ve dropped bits and pieces of it in previous blog posts, but today felt like the right time to share it all. To explain where I’ve been, what I’ve learned, and how I got to where I am today.

So, let’s start at the beginning

I’m a dreamer and optimist by nature. Maybe that’s why I get all teary-eyed during cheesy Disney movies like Moana, Encanto, and Wish. (Or maybe I’m just a nerd… jury’s still out on that one.😉)

But for years, even before we had kids, I felt this little fire inside of my chest that I could be a writer someday. It started with a little blog about running back in 2011. (Yes, I realize I’m dating myself here.)

In 2013, we welcomed our first baby and when Makenna was 6 months old, I took a new 9-5 job to be closer to her daycare and our home. I hung up my blogging hat thinking that this new job would be the answer to my unsettled heart.

It wasn’t long before we welcomed baby #2 (Colton in 2015) and I realized the dream to keep writing was still there. The job change hadn’t actually changed that desire one bit.

So, I started another blog. This one, shorter-lived than the running one, was about living a healthy lifestyle. To be fair, this is something I’m passionate about, but not something I’m so passionate about that I wanted to keep writing on the subject. (I mean, no one loves cake more than me… how was I going to write consistent blog posts about veggies?)

Luckily, a new job opportunity came my way in late 2016 and I jumped on it. It was a perfect fit and I was beyond excited to move on to something new. So I scratched any and all previous blogs because I thought this new job was the answer to my prayers and my (still) unsettled heart.

A New Chapter

This brings us to 2017. If you can’t see the foreshadowing or writing on the wall yet, I’ll make a (very) long story short: My new job did not, in fact, squelch the fire I had to do something with writing.

I got pregnant with Brooks in 2017 and realized having him would be the last checkmark on my massive list of “to-do’s.” You know the one: Go to college (check), get the degree (check), accept your first grown-up job (check), get married (check), buy your first home (check), and have a family (check).

I realized I was checking the “have a family” box by bringing our last kiddo into the world… and then I didn’t have any more checkboxes.

This brought me to my first (of many) existential crises. Was this IT?? I’ve checked all the boxes and now I just work until I die or hopefully save enough to retire?

These were the questions that began keeping me up at night. This couldn’t be it. There had to be more, right? At the same time, I was content with my job and didn’t have anywhere else I really wanted to go.

So, in 2018, I began a new blog (the one you’re reading now). I thought that maybe taking up the hobby of writing would be enough to keep me satisfied.

Then, the pandemic hit in 2020

5 of the 12 months that year were spent juggling daycare (which closed) and the kids being home (because, no school). This, coupled with other pandemic-era issues had me questioning absolutely everything. Never before in my life had I felt like my priorities were so out of whack.

I was burned out, exhausted, and couldn’t shake this growing feeling that I absolutely wanted to do something more, something different, with my life. I’d done all the things I put pressure on myself to do. I’d followed the safe, predictable, and socially acceptable route. All the boxes were checked, and I still felt unsettled. How could this be? What was I missing? I was doing all the things I thought I should be doing and I still felt unfulfilled.

In my quest to figure this out, I picked up Bob Goff’s book Dream Big. In reading it, I realized I needed to put pen to paper and get clear on what mattered to me and why.

The List that Changed Everything

So, I made what I call my “ambitions list.” I had bucket list items like “take the kids to Disney World” along with other things like, “have a flexible schedule so I can pick the kids up from school every day.”

I finished the list and let it marinate for a bit. I’d pick it up, look at a few things I could work on now, and then set it back down. Every time I read it, I couldn’t shake this lingering feeling like something on there just wasn’t jiving.

And then it hit me.

75% of the things on my list circled around freedom. I wanted flexibility in my work, my hours, and more availability to my kids. And working 40 hours a week from 8-5 didn’t fit.

Couple this with the fact that I still had a little fire in my heart to do more with my writing, and I knew I wasn’t living the life I truly wanted to live. My priorities felt out of whack because they were. I was living a life that didn’t align with what was important to me, what I was passionate about, or what I felt God had put me on earth to do.

Most of my waking hours were spent trying to squish myself into a box I thought I should be in when all along it was the wrong box. I was figuratively the square peg in a round hole.

It was both relieving and terrifying to make this realization.

I was glad to know why I was feeling “off,” but I also didn’t know a path forward. I loved the people I worked with and I truly didn’t want another office job in town. The only way I could see a job change happening was if I started doing something on my own. But I had no idea what.

A Bump in the Road

Most of 2021 and 2022 were spent in a waiting season. While my dream to write and my desire to live a different lifestyle never went away, I also didn’t make much progress. I knew where I wanted to go, but I didn’t know how to get there.

Additionally, I knew that any major life decision I made affected more than just me. I had a family depending on me and my income so I couldn’t just quit everything and hope for the best.

I realize I could make this story shorter by skipping over this part, but I also feel like it’s important to note that dreams still matter, even when we can’t see how they’ll work out.

From the outside, I’m sure everything looked picture-perfect. But on the inside, this season of life was discouraging.

I had all the info I needed. I knew what I wanted, why I wanted it, and the direction I felt God was calling me to go. But I had no idea how to get there. I was frustrated, confused, and couldn’t understand God’s timing.

Second-guessing became my pastime. I wondered if I was all wrong in my thinking. I mean, I still enjoyed my co-workers and my current work environment. Maybe everything I thought I wanted was wrong. I started praying that God would take away this dream and desire so I could stop stressing about it and be more content with where I was.

But He never did. Even though the light was dim, it was still there, and I couldn’t shake it. So, I waited. Painfully and regretfully and not patiently, but I waited. What else could I do? I decided that if this was the path I was meant to take, the right thing would have to come along eventually.

A Way Forward

To this day, the best thing (maybe the only good thing?) about the pandemic was how it opened doors to remote work.

In late 2022, I started seeing articles, podcasts, and Instagram profiles about freelance writing. I brushed them off at first, thinking this line of work wasn’t for me. Did I really want to trade my job to still work for someone else?

But the more I learned and researched, the more I realized that freelance writing was an entrepreneurial venture and it was a growing field. AND, it involved writing. The thing I wanted to do. So I took a chance. I threw my hat in the ring when a freelance writing opportunity came my way and to my astonishment, I was hired.

I took things slow, working on weekends, lunch hours, early mornings, and after the kids went to bed. One job led to another and I realized that if I was going to take this thing seriously, I couldn’t continue to work full-time. I had a way forward.

The Past Year

Most of 2017 up until the end of 2022 was spent moving forward like I was stuck in molasses. One step forward, two steps back. I finally gained clarity and then had to figure out what to do with it.

The past year, however, has been a complete whirlwind.

I quit my full-time job in early 2023 and took on freelance writing from home. I’ve learned so much about myself and my business in this time frame. To the point where I’m astonished so much has happened in such a short amount of time.

For instance, while I still adore writing, I’ve also discovered that I have a massive heart for entrepreneurism. My plan for the future actually involves freelancing less and building my own products and brand more.

I’ve also (thanks to therapy) discovered I was harboring quite a few little white lies about myself that were playing on repeat in the back of my mind. And, without getting to the root of some of my insecurities and fears, it would be hard to keep building a business.

I also have never felt so alive, so on fire. After all this time, I finally feel like I’m on the path I’ve been created to take my entire life. Yes, the path began foggy and was full of weeds, but it’s getting clearer and clearer all the time.

The Moral of the Story

If you’ve kept with me this far, you’re amazing! Whew! I did not realize this story would become so long-winded, and yet I can also say that it’s flowed out of me like it was meant to be written.

The point is, while the past handful of years have been wonky and confusing and frustrating and wild, I wouldn’t be where I am today without these experiences.

As I move into the new year, I’m more aware than ever that I’m most fulfilled and happiest when I’m living in alignment with what matters to me. But it never would have happened if I hadn’t paused to figure out what I wanted out of this life, who I was created to be, and what I was going to do about it.

We only get this one life. And I know you know that. I also know that we can’t rush our way through everything. There will be waiting seasons and times of frustration and difficulty. But we also have the power to take hold of this gift God has given us. We have the autonomy to make our own life choices. It may not feel like it sometimes, but we do.

Through all of this, I never let go of that tiny dream I had to write and do something different with my life. There were rocky patches and I second-guessed almost everything, but I couldn’t loosen my grip on it. I believe dreams matter. I believe God puts those little desires in our hearts and then it’s up to us to take action.

Now I’m going to turn it over to you.

To echo Mary Oliver, “Tell me – what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

What little dreams do you have burning in your heart and soul? What matters to you and why? Where do you want to go?

I hope you marinate on those questions today. I hope they bring you freedom and clarity and if nothing else, an opportunity to acknowledge any small dream that you haven’t been able to let go of quite yet. Tune into that. There’s a reason it’s there.

Now, what will you do with it?