Lessons Learned from a Strong Willed Child

I very specifically remember wearing t-shirts and shorts for most of my childhood.

It didn’t matter if it was summer or winter (I was inside during winter so let’s not panic here about me freezing), shorts and T-shirts were my outfit of choice. Always.

It had to drive my parents crazy.

This is just one small example of many of me needing to make my own decisions and having a strong opinion on everything.

Here’s the deal: I was a strong-willed child growing up. And now the Lord blessed me with a strong-willed child of my own. I’m NOT a parenting expert. I’m not even sure I have any idea what I’m doing. I’m just a former strong willed child, raising a strong willed child, and learning A TON.

So if you’re in the the trenches of raising a “spirited” child like me, hopefully you find these tips useful (if not just relatable).

Pick your battles.

In my early years of parenting, I had a vision of perfection. My children were going to be perfect angels and listen to my every command. We would never be late to anything, and my kiddos would never be the wild ones running up and down the hallways at church or the aisles of the grocery store.

Present me kinda wants to go back and slap younger me. Just a little.

Obviously, parenting hasn’t turned out to be at all glamorous. In fact, just this last week Colton jumped on the side of my grocery cart at the store and almost pulled the whole thing over on top of himself. 🤦‍♀️

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my (very few compared to some) years of parenting a strong-willed child, it’s that I’ve had to let a lot of things go. I’ve had to let the vision I have of parenting perfect angels go, and I’ve had to back up in the heat of the moment sometimes to ask myself if what I’m fighting for is really worth it.

Do I want to die on that battle hill just so the kid wears the nice pair of shoes I got him instead of the dirty old every day tennis shoes to church? Nope. Probably not. I could come up with about 50 examples here, but the point is, it’s important to know what’s worth fighting for, and what can be let go. I try to think about what’s a priority and important to his overall safety, and what can just be ignored.

So sing it with me, “Let it go, let it go!” 😉

Explain in detail what the plan is and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

When Makenna (my oldest) was younger, I could tell her not to do something and she would respond with a shrug and an, “ok.” She was always pretty “go with the flow” and it didn’t ruffle her feathers too much if we threw off her schedule or changed up our plan.

Colton? Not so much.

I’ve learned that he needs answers. And that it really bothers him when things are out of his normal routine. So I have to slow down and explain more things to him. I have to tell him why we’re doing what we’re doing and why we’re doing things differently this time.

It’s a slow process and sometimes I just want to scream, “because I said so!” But I also know that won’t do either of us any good and it definitely won’t help my cause if I’m trying to convince him to do something differently.

I’ve also learned that routine is really good for him, so I try my best to not shake things up if I can help it. Our morning routine for school is exactly the same, Monday through Friday, almost down to the minute. It’s not that way because I’m a routine nazi (I’m almost the opposite!), it’s that way because it’s just easier for all those involved.

Be prepared for strong emotions and how to handle that.

If you’ve heard me talk about Colton before, I tend to call him our sour patch kid. “First he’s sour, then he’s sweet!”

He can have some really high highs and some really low lows. For example, he is the funnest kid on Christmas morning. I’ve never seen anyone so excited to open presents and so in love with everything he gets! It’s ADORABLE.

On the flip side, I’ve never experienced another kid who get’s as angry and frustrated as Colton gets sometimes. And over what (to me) seems like the simplest things! So it totally throws me for a loop.

I’ve had to learn to back up, take a breath, and see things from his perspective. It’s easy for me to tell him to quit worrying about something or to quit getting frustrated or angry. But me telling him to quit it, doesn’t change the fact that he feels what he feels.

So we’ve had to do a lot of teaching on how to handle those feelings when they arrive. We have to be the ones to show him healthy ways to work through frustration and anger. We’ve shown him how to take deep breaths (and blow them out like we’re blowing out birthday candles on a cake), how to count to 10, and how sometimes we just need to go to the other room and cool down.

And you know what? Even with all this, he still has melt downs. He still gets easily angry and frustrated sometimes. I’m learning that there’s no “cure-all.” It’s just taking each situation as it comes and doing our best with it.

Stand firm in your decisions.

Strong willed children are persuasive beasts.

Knowing this, it holds me back from explaining too much when asked all the why questions, because Colton can find some tiny, minute loop hole to turn the situation around so that we can do things the way he wants to.

And if you cave ONE TIME, he will not forget it! He can’t remember what he wore to school yesterday, but he can remember that ONE TIME I let him watch cartoons during breakfast on a Tuesday morning.

I know earlier I said to pick your battles, but when we do pick the battle, we have to be certain we’ll stick to our guns with these strong-willed kiddos. They truly need boundaries.

We can let the small stuff go, but we have to decide what are non-negotiables and then stand firm in our decision. These kiddos have to learn that some things in life cannot be changed and then how to cope when that happens.

Let them learn by experience.

I’m pretty sure that the whole “let them learn by experience” thing is a parent’s worst nightmare. Can’t they just listen to us and believe us when we say NOT TO DO SOMETHING?

But man, Colton learns WAY faster when he tries it for himself and it fails, then when I stand over him over-explaining.

Just last night, he was running around the basement pushing one of Brooks’ old walker toys. I came downstairs to see him rushing across the basement floor, pushing this plastic toy (that was way too low to the ground for him) while it’s blaring Old McDonald’s Farm.

I caught him right away and told him if he didn’t slow down and stop running with the toy, he could get hurt. But he chose not to slow down and approximately 20 seconds later, the toy got caught on the carpet and stopped, but he didn’t, and he landed on top of it. There weren’t any tears, but I could tell it shook him up a little bit. And you know what? He quit pushing that toy and went on to play with something else.

I could have told him 10 times to quit pushing that toy. I could have gotten frustrated and impatient. But instead, I warned him of the conquences and let him figure it out for himself. And it worked WAY better then me talking to him till I’m blue in the face.

This is a small example, and I’d like to point out that if he was doing something more dangerous or truly wrong, I would have been more forceful at making him stop. But in small cases like this, I’ve found he learns quicker by experiencing things for himself.

Give Grace.

This point isn’t really one for the kids. It’s for the mamas.

Remember when I said I used to think that everything would go perfectly with my kids when I was a first time parent?

Well I was DUMB, and let me tell you, I look at other mom’s in such a different light now.

Y’all, this parenting gig is the freaking hardest, more complex, and stressful thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I have no idea if I’m doing it right. I’m still 90% certain that my kids are going to need therapy one day because I screwed something up and didn’t even know it.

Here’s my reminder for us all: Other mama’s are most likely doing the best they can, too.

Your neighbor, the mom at school drop off, the working mom, and the stay at home mom. We’re all different people who make different choices. And if I had to guess, I’d say we’re all a little stressed and a little uncertain that we’re cut out for this whole mom thing.

So let’s back up our accusations a little bit, and share some grace. Because the person you’re about to judge might just be me trying to get Colton to stop jumping on my grocery cart at the store. 🙂

Wrapping up.

I’m sure there is much more that I could add to this. And I’m downright positive I’ll learn more as Colton grows. (I’m already nervous about the pre-teen years.)

If you’re struggling with a little one who seems to have all the ability to push your buttons in just the right way, please feel free to reach out to me! Us mamas of fiery little ones have to stick together! (Sometimes I even consider starting a support group. 🙂 )