How to Set Boundaries as a “Yes” Person

I’ll never forget one weekend morning in early December 2017.

I was rushing around my kitchen, trying to wrap up some holiday cookies I had agreed to bring for the school cookie walk. I had taken it upon myself to bake half of the 5 dozen I needed to bring and I was scrambling because I was also running late to bring them over to the community center where I was also about to start my long shift of helping to set up for the event.

Oh, and I was about 8 and a half months pregnant with our third Larson baby.

I had officially over-committed. I had said yes to too many things. I wanted to help, and I wanted to bring some freshly baked cookies (in hindsight I should have just BOUGHT all 5 dozen of the dang cookies). I tried to do too much and I knew it at that moment when I was frantically scrambling to get out the door.

This is just one example of an area of my life where I said “yes” waaaaay too much. This is something I used to really struggle with. I still struggle with it to some degree but I feel like I’m getting a little better. I guess you could say I’m a recovering “yes” person. Ha!

Yes people, unite!

Can I get an “AMEN” from my always say yes and over-committal people? We gotta stick together through this!

I imagine you say yes because you truly want to help. You say yes because you honestly want to do all the things. And sometimes (let’s be honest) you say yes out of straight-up obligation and the fear of letting someone down.

I only guess because I’m describing myself here, sister.

Truthfully, our reasons for saying yes are not all bad, right? Wanting to help and be supportive toward others is NOT a bad thing!

What can get bad is saying yes so much that we’re depleting our spirit. From personal experience, I can tell you that saying yes TOO much can not only lead to stress, but also resentment toward the person or people we’ve said yes to. NOT ideal.

I can’t explain how many times I’ve felt that awful wrench in my gut when I’ve realized one of two things: 1. “I’ve officially over-committed and now I have NO IDEA how I’m going to make this all work without weaseling out.” Or 2. “I can’t believe I said yes to this! It’s not my favorite thing and I can’t believe how much time I’ve spent stressing over this!” (The struggles, ya’ll…)

So, after years of running into these experiences (literally YEARS. I’ve been this way pretty much my entire life.), I’ve learned a few things over time about setting boundaries as a “yes” person and I hope they can help you too!

How to Set Boundaries as a “Yes” Person:

Don’t say yes immediately

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “yes” out of immediate instinct instead of taking time to breath and think about what I really wanted to say. For longer than I’d like to admit, YES was my default answer. I would say yes and then figure out how I’d make it work later. I was pretty much living my life on a smaller scale of Jim Carrey in “Yes, man.”

So instead, I’ve learned to press pause before I answer a request if I can. I’ll let the person know that I need to check my schedule or I’ll just flat out be honest and let them know that I need a little time to think it over.

The saying “honesty is the best policy” completely applies here! To date, no one has been upset with me or judged me (to my face anyway 😉 ) for asking for a little time to think over my answer to their request.

Think about whether saying yes to that one thing will bring you more joy or more stress.

There are really two points to this:

ONE: At the very beginning, when someone asks you to commit to something, ask yourself this question: Will doing this THING (whatever it is), cause me to feel more stressed or more joyful? If the answer is that I’m going to feel more stressed, then I need to be honest and just say no. Simple. Easy. You don’t HAVE to do everything! So if it’s going to stress you out, SAY NO.

TWO: This doesn’t work for everything obviously because sometimes we have obligations that we can’t say no to, right? I’m sure you can think of something you’re doing right now that doesn’t bring you joy but you can’t really get out of it. If this is the case for you, my only helpful piece of advice is to try to find joy in your reason for doing what you’re doing – or try to find the silver lining of the situation.

For example, I don’t really “find joy” in leaving work an hour and a half early on Tuesday’s to drive my daughter to another town and then sit through an hour of gymnastics practice. (Any other parents driving their kids around BFE for sports practices? If so, YOU’RE A SAINT.)

I digress. The truth is, Makenna really likes gym, I’m happy that she enjoys it, and it’s been a total joy to see how far she’s come! I’m also lucky enough to have someone to carpool with and I have family who’s been gracious enough to pitch in on the driving, too, so I don’t have to do it every single week.

The point of the story is: I try to make the best out of the situation, even though there are other things I could be doing. Like basically ANYTHING. Kidding. (But for reals.) Love you, Makenna! 😉

Saying Yes to one thing, likely means saying no to something else.

When I first started hearing this phrase, I tried desperately to prove it wrong. How can saying yes to one thing be the same as saying no to something else when I have nothing else scheduled? These crazy people who make this stuff up, right?

Unfortunately, the older I get and the more things I keep adding to my plate, I’ve found that saying yes, likely means saying no to non-tangible things like the following:

• More family time
• Putting in the energy and time I need to reach a goal
• Taking good care of myself

And those 3 things are HUGE! Once I realized that over-committing had me lacking in some of the most important areas of my life, it was really the turning point for me to stop being such a YES person. So now I try to be very choosy about what I commit to. Because even if my schedule allows me to commit to it, it doesn’t mean I’m not losing time in other, non-tangible areas that are really important to me.

Gut Check Yourself.

I’ll keep this point short and sweet, but I have to ask this question because it was a trap I always (and still do sometimes!) fell into and I don’t want the same for you.

Are you answering YES because saying yes is easier than coming up with a solid NO?

Sometimes I think we say yes because we don’t have a “good enough” reason to say no. I know I’ve sure felt this way before! But the truth is, the word NO doesn’t always need an explanation. A simple, “I’d love to but that won’t work for me tonight.” is a good enough text response. (Side note: I have other examples of ways to say no in this post about decluttering your schedule.)

It’s no one else’s business why you’re saying no to something, so don’t let that be the reason you’re over-committing and stretching yourself too thin! Sometimes I feel like I’m the least “volunteery” (Is that a word? If not, I’m making it one.) person that ever walked the face of the earth. But I have a dream and 3 little kiddos that physically need me. And those two things right there are reason enough to say no to a lot of other commitments at this phase of my life.

Wrapping Up.

So, let’s review ways to set boundaries as a “yes” person:

• Don’t say yes immediately.
• Think about whether saying yes will lead to more JOY or more STRESS in your life.
• Fully grasp that saying YES to one thing means saying NO to something else, even if it’s a non-tangible item.
• Make sure you’re not just saying YES because that’s easier than finding a solid no.

Listen friend, you have to know that I’m still a work in progress on this. I still have over-committal tendencies. I still get it wrong sometimes. I still wind up feeling stressed here and there because I’ve committed to something I shouldn’t have.

But I’m learning. And I’m trying my best to take something away from each situation so I don’t make the same mistake twice.

And I definitely vow not to bake more than a dozen cookies ever again for a cookie walk. 🙂

OVER TO YOU: Do you struggle with over-committing? How to you move past it or what tips do you have to share? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!