How to Forge Close Friendships (+ Keep them)
Growing up, my family moved twice before I graduated high school. Once at age 10 and again at age 16.
If you’ve ever been completely thrown into a new environment (without your consent), then I bet you can guess how well I handled both of these moves. I’m sure I was a delight. (Sarcasm, in case you’re wondering.)
Moving at age 10 was hard. I had only known one school and one home my entire life until that point. It was challenging to find new friends and figure out the social circles of a new small town. I was extremely lucky, though, and managed to meet my best friend there in 5th grade. 24 years later and we still talk almost every day! Still, that move left a scar.
So when I found out at age 16 that we’d AGAIN be moving, this time halfway through my sophomore year of high school, I knew I had 2 choices: Sink or swim.
And I did NOT want to sink. There may have been a lot of treading water, but I dove head first into finding friends, being a friend, and developing a circle I could call my own for the short two and a half years I had before graduation.
I hope you know that I don’t share this story to have a pity party.
I ended up meeting people that are still in my life today from both of those moves, including that lucky high school bf I ended up marrying. (That’s you, Cory!😉) While it certainly didn’t feel like it at the time, I honestly believe God used both of those events for my good.
Both moves helped shape me into the person I am today and showed me the importance of close friendships.
As I’m sure you’ve experienced at some point in your life by now, too, it’s not always easy to find a circle of friends to call your own. It can also be especially hard when we’re thrown into a situation that we didn’t ask for.
If finding and developing close friendships is something you’ve struggled with, I hope these few things I’ve learned over the years are helpful to you.
Finding Your Circle.
My guess is that at this point in your life, you’ve probably experienced a time or two where you were thrown into a situation and you didn’t know a single soul. Maybe for you it was college or maybe your family moved when you were young, too. Maybe you got married and moved to a small town where you knew NO ONE.
In all of these situations, it can be extremely challenging to find your group. A circle of friends you can call your own. A group you can text when you have a mama question. Another soul with similar values that will meet you for a margarita when you’ve had the worst day.
It can be lonely when you don’t feel close to anyone. I know because I’ve been there. I feel this on a number of levels.
There is good news, though! I’ve found that friendships can be developed with a little initiative and a good dose of bravery. Here’s what I mean:
Just ask!
Sometimes, the best way to make friendships is to just ask another person to hang out.
Ask another mom in your PTO group to coffee.
Send a text to your neighbor and see if she wants to do a play date with the kiddos.
Ask a couple co-workers to grab a drink after work.
Yes, you might get rejected or you might leave a meet up feeling less than connected. But you could also end up cultivating brand new close friendships! You’ll never know unless you get brave enough to ask.
Say yes!
When you’re new to town or starting a new job, there’s a solid chance you’ll get asked to join a group, attend an event, or meet up with some co-workers at the local watering hole. (Sidenote: Does anyone call a bar a “watering hole” anymore? Not sure what the cool lingo is these days. I hate that I’m revealing my age here.)
Don’t be afraid to say yes at the beginning!
Not every event you attend will be super fun, and not every meeting you sit through will be a group you want to volunteer your time to. Just think of it as networking. If you can meet someone new and strike up a connection, it’ll be worth your time in the end.
Looking for new friends can sometimes (read: often) feel discouraging. It’s hard because good friendships can’t be forced and finding new friends requires us to step way outside our comfort zone.
I encourage you to keep trying anyway. Don’t be afraid to keep your heart open to new possibilities and to keep looking for the good in people.
Nurturing Your Circle.
Once you find your circle, the next incredibly crucial step is making sure that you nurture it. Just like a plant, if we don’t tend to our relationships, they won’t grow. They need to be cared for and prioritized if we want them to thrive.
Make time to develop Close friendships.
We’re so busy right now, aren’t we? As a whole, as a culture, and absolutely as mama’s trying to wrangle kids and careers and just LIFE in general. It’s so easy to see how friendships can fall to the wayside in this phase of life.
The good news is that your ride-or-die friends will understand and be there for your no matter what. They’ll also be willing to be flexible in order to keep in touch with you.
But don’t let this be an excuse to completely fall off the face of the earth! You’ll still need to be proactive about nurturing your close friendships. Send a quick meme in a text that you know your friend will laugh at. Check in with her to see how she’s doing. And again, don’t be afraid to say yes to getting together, even on the busy days. I’ve never regretted taking the time to hang out with a close friend!
Don’t be afraid to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
If you’re looking to develop and cultivate close friendships, you’ll also have to be willing to be vulnerable at some point.
It’s not easy, I know. Who wants to willingly put themselves out there? From what I’ve experienced and seen, though, vulnerability is where connection really happens. It might take a bit for you to feel comfortable enough, but I don’t think close friendships grow from surface level interactions.
If you’ve been hurt before, first know that I’m sorry. And second, please know that probably everyone has been hurt at some point in their life. This means that you’re not alone, and that sharing your story could create a connection between you and the person you’re friending. You’ll never know what’s out there unless you try.
Be ok with not being a member of everyone’s circle.
This. This right here is the hardest part, I think. At least for me.
I think of this quote all the time:
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” – Dita Von Teese.
I want to fight it. I’d like to assume I can make everyone happy and I should therefore be included in everything. I mean, WHO DOESN’T LIKE PEACHES??
The truth is we can’t be in all of the circles, and it’s ok. Sometimes it feels like being left out, and that stinks and I get it, and I’m so sorry if you’ve ever felt that way.
But often, I think that I’d rather spend time with people who really GET me, than spend time with a group that I feel awkward around, just because of my need to be liked, ya know?
I’m not for everyone, and neither are you. Repeat after me: It’s ok. That’s why you’re working to create YOUR OWN circle, right? Find your people, be kind, and do you, friend.
Wrapping Up.
It can be so challenging to find your circle and develop close relationships sometimes. If you’re in the midst of the process, first, hang in there! You’ll be finding your close friends soon! And second, while you wait, don’t forget to be kind and love people well. I love this podcast episode from Emily Ley’s book Growing Boldly. It’s such a good reminder that we all have our stuff and we don’t have to be best friends to still be kind.
**OVER TO YOU: Have anything you would add to this list when it comes to finding your circle and loving on your people well? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!
